A picture may be worth a thousand words, but flowers are worth 1,001. You can never go wrong with a generic
grocery store bouquet or edible arrangement, but why not step it up a notch by channelling all your
emotions, feelings, words and actions into a couple of stems and petals that will look incredible for at
least two whole days?
Check out this guide to discover what flowers you should use for those typical day-to-day scenarios where a
box of chocolates just doesn’t cut it and which blooms you should avoid at all costs.
Your girlfriend-who’s-not-your-girlfriend-but-acts-like-your-girlfriend-without-the-label’s birthday
You’ve been having sex for three months now and neither of you are seeing other people, but you’re just not
emotionally stable enough to be in a committed relationship yet. When her birthday rolls around, you wonder
if you should get her a gift even if you’re not official; after all, you don’t want to come off too strong.
Still want to keep her around, though? Get her a $4.99 assorted bouquet of half-dead orange-yellow roses
from your local Walmart (does half-dead = half-off?) along with a card that says: “To my
special
friend.” While orange roses represent
passion and desire,
offsetting the intensity with yellow indicates you still just
want to be friends. Make sure to leave the price sticker on to let her know how much she’s worth to you.
Your thrice-divorced aunt who refers to herself as “the young, fun, hot and single one” is now in her
late 50s and in the hospital recovering from a hip replacement surgery after trying to throw it back
Aunt Linda thinks she’s still submissive and breedable, but the only thing she’s submitting herself to
is the emergency room. When you go visit her in the hospital, bring her an orchid. Not only is this one
of the
most common flowers gifted to patients, but orchids also
represent
love,
luxury, beauty and strength. So make sure you tell that to Aunt
Linda when she’s hitting on the young male nurse while simultaneously needing someone to hold back her
hospital gown as she goes to the bathroom. That being said, feel free to opt for a bouquet of hydrangeas
instead—these flowers are known to require a lot of water, so just like Aunt Linda, they’re thirsty.
Your boyfriend from preschool who invited you to his wedding and slid into your DMs the night before the ceremony asking: “U up? 🍆🍆”
Men deserve flowers too. But when they’re dirty, cheating dogs, send them a bouquet of lime blossoms,
otherwise known as tilia flowers. These represent
fornication and can
be used if you’re trying to call someone out for being unfaithful. The leaves of these plants can also be
used for tea, which will be piping hot when you tell the OG group chat what Jordan from Miss M’s pre-K class
messaged you.
Your high school acquaintance who appears to be involved in a multi-level marketing scheme and invited you to their horse-themed baby shower
Picture this: You’re standing in the middle of a field, surrounded by upside down troughs for tables and hay
bales as chairs. The table settings have fork-sized pitchforks and origami napkins shaped like mini cowboy
hats. “Don’t you just love these mini pitchforks?” your high school acquaintance asks you, eyes wide as she
slowly approaches you from the nearby corn maze. “These are great for mixing up the completely vegan protein
shakes from Pea Perfect with 20 vitamins and minerals from Yardone for their ‘30 Days to be Healthy’
program. You should try it sometime!” She inches closer and now’s the perfect time to hand off your gift. In
a real, authentic cowboy boot, you’ve put together a bouquet of daffodils, otherwise known as Narcissus,
to appeal to her narcissistic personality. However, since daffodils can also represent appreciation, you
included them to boost her ego and let her know how grateful you are to be part of this really weird but
predictable chapter in her life. You also threw some wildflowers in there to echo her wild spirit and
distinctly match the wildflower tattoo on her wrist that she got with the rest of her Yardone sisters.
Unable to contain her excitement, she snorts, then proceeds to get on all fours, boot-quet in mouth and
gallops to the head table to show her plaid-clad baby daddy. Giddy up, you think.
Your elementary school bully who picked on you because you were ugly but as soon as you had your glow-up
she told everyone you were best friends, and now that you’re hot and she’s not, she invited you out to
lunch to “catch up, bestie!”
Nothing screams “leave me alone” like a bouquet of weeds disguised as pretty flowers. Throw together some
butterfly weeds—which give off
‘you’ve been warned’ vibes—and buttercups, because this is some childish behaviour.
If you want to add some pops of darkness and doom, include the negative energy of black dahlias. The bouquet
itself will emulate the raging fire within her when she sees you #girlbossing and #slaying.
That one guy at the club that maintained intense eye contact with you while he proceeded to take a shot
of tequila and put the whole lime into his mouth, only to smile and reveal the lime skin covering his
teeth, after which he winks at you and asks for your number
A single red rose, placed in between your teeth.
