Mother Nature counting down Doomsday Clock ‘til she’s an empty nester

The mother of all creation explains why she can’t wait to just be ‘Nature’ again

The state of the world right now is tough for me to face. Well, it’s always been a lot to handle; I’m a mom to almost 8 billion humans and millions of other species who like to kill and/or eat each other, so my home life is pretty rough.

Some days I just don’t want to be a mom anymore, you know? I hear other moms say they miss their kids when they drop them off to daycare for a few hours a day, but I don’t. In fact, I’m so freaking excited whenever one of my children doesn't need me anymore. Every time one of them goes gently into that good night, I am so happy. The less of my kids I have to deal with, the better.

What’s even more annoying is when these same moms bawl their eyes out when their kid moves out for college. You’ve only had to deal with them for 18 years; how is that even a long time?! Why don’t these whiny moms try 4.5 billion years (and counting) of existence. I don’t get a single break, and every time I turn around, one part of my home—a.k.a. the Earth—is up in flames. I’m talking legit wildfires, not those stovetop grease fires in what you Instagram mommies call your houses.

I’ve spent 300,000-plus years cleaning up after humans’ messes. Like, there’s legit shit everywhere I walk. Seriously guys, you don’t need to compost so much. My plant nutrients are perfectly fine.

On top of that, I miss my old life before becoming a mother. My friends don’t understand because all of them are mammoths who died thousands of years ago, so I really don’t know how to talk to them. Or, they’re so far away in the galaxy, because they had the fortune of being saddled with a different planet, that I have no way of reaching them.

Mommying is hard y’all, I won’t lie. Other parents love to shove their ideals down your throats and all your kids do is blame you for their problems. Like, everyone loves to say they have ‘seasonal depression.’ Why are you bringing ME into this? Don’t you know how hard I work to bring some variety to your life? So ungrateful. I could wipe you and your entire family out like that, with my crying outbursts-turned-hurricanes and raging fits-turned-tornados.

You think you’ve got it hard? Try having a house so big you barely know each of your children.

Who am I kidding? When I started noticing my human children were messing around with the climate post-industrial revolution, I was really upset and disappointed at first. But then I realized it's the perfect out for me; I won’t have to deal with them ever again, and it won’t even be my fault. So now, I’m kicking off the Final Countdown.

The way I see it, I’ve earned my empty nest. Sometimes, I look at my kids and I can’t believe how many of them turned out to be annoying little shits who do nothing productive while playing video games and binging on Cheetos and Red Bull. I mean, go outside. Touch grass for once. Look at all this amazing food I grow on the ground, on trees, bushes, in the water, literally everywhere you can look—for free.

But no. They all want Cheetos and Red Bull.

While I sit and wait for the day that comes where I can drop the ‘Mother’ and just be Nature again, I fantasize about the first thing I’ll do:

I’ll make every sea as salty as the Dead Sea just so I can lounge in the water and cleanse all my pores. I’ll float around for hours, sipping Merlot, and won’t hear a single peep from anyone.
back button